How To Change The Story

Our perception tends to define the reality of our experience. We may run scripts and rants and create and believe our own narrative in order to establish familiarity and order; to make sense of the world and we inherently hold a view of how the world and others should be. Much of our story is constructed from beliefs that no longer serve us, assumptions we make about others, standards that we have internalised and possible contracts we’ve made with ourselves about how we need to be or what we should do or how we should be, to armor against and to orchestrate life. We compare ourselves to others, assess ourselves and hold judgment, often without being able to see what we are holding, re-running habitualised thought patterns. Letting go of old material and changing the story opens new neural pathways, meaning we can get out of our own way and listen deeper for a more felt sense of knowing. We can change how we see things.

On Struggling - Project Self Life Coaching

On Struggling

It’s often said we don’t know what someone is struggling with, or battling with and that everyone has their own personal struggle of some kind. Clients often bring something, an issue or problem they are ‘struggling’ with. What do we mean when we say we are struggling with something? That something is hard, challenging or difficult to resolve? That we are coping with a sense of inability to do something ‘well’? That we are trying to make something happen and it’s not? That we are tangled in something and can’t find a way through because we don’t know what to…
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On Not Thinking Negatively - Project Self Life Coaching

On Not Thinking Negatively

Many people are feeling various low and negative moods at the moment. We can’t do much about how we feel in response to difficult circumstances but we can be aware of how our thinking may be affecting us. The brain has a negativity bias. As Rick Hanson describes it, teflon for good news, velcro for bad news. This is because our system is wired to look for and hook into any perceived risk and threat. Our brains tend to scan for bad news, overly focus on it, overly react to it, over remember it, and become sensitised to it over…
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On Relationship Dynamics - Project Self Life Coaching

On Relationship Dynamics

We are relational beings. Our nervous system has a biological imperative to co-regulate itself in the presence of another which provides the feeling of safety. So relationships of course, in theory should feel like safe harbours or solid ground. And yet many experience less harbour and more the sensation of being in a sinking rowing boat, frantically paddling, bailing out water, and bobbing without a rudder in the backwash of a vast honking cruise liner. Frightening, unfathomable and difficult to stay afloat in, So why do relationships so often feel unsafe or unstable? Why do we seem so poorly quipped…
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ON BEING KIND TO YOURSELF - Project Self Life Coaching

On Being Kind to Yourself

Our innate human quality is compassion and kindness. In our natural, relaxed state we are warm and caring. Our self is inclusive and allowing. Such qualities expand us towards consideration, generosity and understanding, trust and forgiveness. We have sympathy for suffering.  We like. We are kind. We are love. When we are unhappy or upset we can become tight and sometimes ‘mean’ spirited. Our capacity towards generosity and openness diminishes. We shrink in as our heart suffers; we may close off, down and up. We contract our care as we take on negative or challenging thoughts and feelings. We may…
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ON NOT FEELING BAD - Project Self Life Coaching

On Not Feeling Bad

We often feel bad about ourselves, conflating how we can behave with who we are. We can also feel a dislike for who we are and also feel deep down, a sense that we lack worth as a human being. And so we tread heavily on the earth, comparing our weighty lack of substance to the seemingly Sorted & Successful Ariel figures around us.  Welcome to the walk of shame. The walking dead. The human experience of walking around feeling like there’s a cloud, a shadow, hanging over you; a weight on your chest; a restriction in your throat or an emptiness…
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ON NOT BEING A BETTER PERSON - Project Self Life Coaching

On Not Being A Better Person

“All of us think we are a little better than we really are. All of us think we are a little worse than we really are”. Michael Yapko I’m beginning to rebel against the concept of Being a Better Person. You might think what’s wrong with wanting to be better person? Within the dictionary definition of ‘better’, I found that it does relate to increasing good qualities, but more prevalently, it describes surpassing, superiority, preferability, acceptability. Bettering oneself speaks historically of status. Being a better person suggests we need to improve. Sure, we could all be nicer, kinder people with healthier,…
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On Wasting Time - Project Self Life Coaching

On Wasting Time

What’s your relationship with time? This piece is the first part of two explorations into Time: 1) fast time 2) slow time. Time is the back drop, the crucible, the catalyst. The start and stop, the constant duration and the spaces in between. It’s a measure of the past, present and future of our life-time, but also now and the split second moment that has just passed of our living-time. It’s a stream and an interval, preparation, the event and the dissection. How amazing that one concept affects so much of our reality in so many varied ways. It defines existence…
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ON LIVING WITHOUT PURPOSE - Project Self Life Coaching

On Living Without Purpose

Do you know what Your Purpose in life is? No? Me neither. Do you have a sense of what your calling is, your gift, your raison d’etre, what you are meant to do with your life? No? Me neither. Does it matter that you don’t know? No. Is there a sense that we should? Yes. You don’t need to know what Your Purpose is, or Your Passion, to lead a fulfilling life. There can be an inherent pressure in life through society, culture and parental ‘encouragement’ which becomes evident from childhood, that we should know what we want to do.…
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On Getting Out Of Your Own Way - Project Self Life Coaching

On Getting Out Of Your Own Way

I had a conversation with someone recently who was anxious about an important forthcoming meeting. As we often do, he had expectations and hopes. He was very invested in the outcome and potential significance of the meeting. He was concerned things wouldn’t go as he wanted them to.  He was afraid of disappointment. He worried about how he would be perceived by the other person. He felt the meeting could affect his future and not knowing which way the meeting would lead, he played out different scenarios in his head. The meeting was with someone he didn’t know. All he knew…
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On Not Being Productive - Project Self Life Coaching

On Not Being Productive

Along with “Have you had a good day”? how often are we asked: “Have you had a productive day” or “What have you done today”? ’Good’ as a measure or description seems open to interpretation since a day can be good for a number of varied and subjective reasons. But productive as a measure holds within it an implicit judgement. Have you done something useful with your life today? Have you been constructive? Applied yourself, achieved? Been energetic, focused? It feels as though a productive day is ‘good’ and related to success. So that if we haven’t been productive somehow…
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